What I Want vs. What I Should Do
I have really been feeling jaded these past few weeks and I am at that point where I would like to jack it all in and move to be with P. Unfortunately, I have responsibilities here e.g. my apartment will be ready in the next month or two (fingers crossed as I can't wait to get my hands on it!) and I need to get things sorted out. I realize that once you own a property, you are no longer “footloose and fancy free”. I can’t just up and leave as I have to oversee its furnishing and eventual rental.
But it is not just the property that holds me back. Although P has started his new job, I do not want to give up work before I have the right to do so in London. And this will not happen until we are married and I have the proper visa in place. It is a drag and I hate being without him. I do have friends here that I go out with, but it’s just not the same as having my best friend and soul mate with me on a daily basis. I am really missing the person who in a large part, keeps me sane (or as sane as I can expect to be under the circumstances).
I miss being young and carefree and a few years ago, I would have given up my life and dashed off to London just because I wanted to. Now, I am tied down by brick, mortar and a sense of responsibility. When did I wake up and get so old?
On the family front, things have settled down since my last blog entry, but I still feel that I have nothing in common with them. My aunt and I have spoken and we have decided that although things were said in the heat of the moment and there are no hard feelings, we will take a bit of a time out. We are in very different places in life and sometimes, it’s good just to get on and deal with what we need to. Her focus is on her sick sister, and my focus is on P and the future that we are building together.
My dad has also made arrangements to have dinner with me this week but I wonder if we really have anything genuine to say to each other? One small word can set both of us off and I guess we just have different expectations. The years where I needed a father were from when I was 0 to 21. Now my needs have changed and my family has not been my base for a long time. Before I met P, I was my own rock. For many years, the only person I could rely on was me as my family was busy starring in their own melodrama.
To add stress on top of everything else, there are also constant power struggles at work which I have to try to avoid. And while most of the wedding has already been organized, there are always bits and pieces popping up all the time and no, it doesn’t always run smoothly. So I am a little tired and am definitely on a very short fuse. I find myself becoming rather intolerant of both my family and friends and know that I definitely need to take a breather to get centered again.
I am conscious of whinging about my situation instead of doing something about it. However, instead of jumping from the frying pan into the fire, I have given myself a few weeks to think things through. I am sure that I will feel much better once I am living in my own apartment and can enjoy the fruit of all my years of work. And if I know that my place is not going to be ready until a certain point in them, then I can also make alternative plans.
Oh what I would give to be rich and to take a few months off from real life and just go shopping in Milan and Paris! Well, you can’t blame a girl for dreaming…..
But it is not just the property that holds me back. Although P has started his new job, I do not want to give up work before I have the right to do so in London. And this will not happen until we are married and I have the proper visa in place. It is a drag and I hate being without him. I do have friends here that I go out with, but it’s just not the same as having my best friend and soul mate with me on a daily basis. I am really missing the person who in a large part, keeps me sane (or as sane as I can expect to be under the circumstances).
I miss being young and carefree and a few years ago, I would have given up my life and dashed off to London just because I wanted to. Now, I am tied down by brick, mortar and a sense of responsibility. When did I wake up and get so old?
On the family front, things have settled down since my last blog entry, but I still feel that I have nothing in common with them. My aunt and I have spoken and we have decided that although things were said in the heat of the moment and there are no hard feelings, we will take a bit of a time out. We are in very different places in life and sometimes, it’s good just to get on and deal with what we need to. Her focus is on her sick sister, and my focus is on P and the future that we are building together.
My dad has also made arrangements to have dinner with me this week but I wonder if we really have anything genuine to say to each other? One small word can set both of us off and I guess we just have different expectations. The years where I needed a father were from when I was 0 to 21. Now my needs have changed and my family has not been my base for a long time. Before I met P, I was my own rock. For many years, the only person I could rely on was me as my family was busy starring in their own melodrama.
To add stress on top of everything else, there are also constant power struggles at work which I have to try to avoid. And while most of the wedding has already been organized, there are always bits and pieces popping up all the time and no, it doesn’t always run smoothly. So I am a little tired and am definitely on a very short fuse. I find myself becoming rather intolerant of both my family and friends and know that I definitely need to take a breather to get centered again.
I am conscious of whinging about my situation instead of doing something about it. However, instead of jumping from the frying pan into the fire, I have given myself a few weeks to think things through. I am sure that I will feel much better once I am living in my own apartment and can enjoy the fruit of all my years of work. And if I know that my place is not going to be ready until a certain point in them, then I can also make alternative plans.
Oh what I would give to be rich and to take a few months off from real life and just go shopping in Milan and Paris! Well, you can’t blame a girl for dreaming…..
posted by SG Babe | 2:11 PM
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