My Cousin and Me
On Friday night, I had dinner with my favourite Aunt Angela and her 12-year-old daughter Allie. When I passed over our wedding invitation card, Allie made a face when she read it and said, "Ewww, the theme is glamourous! Can I wear jeans?!"
I gave her 'the look', which meant a definite no, so we decided to go shopping the next day to try and find her a suitable dress. I love my Aunt dearly, but I know her very well. If she had her way, Allie would be in a high-necked floor-length floral dress suited for the cast of Little House on the Prairie!
I didn't realize how difficult dressing a pre-teen would be though. Allie is Eurasian and very pretty, and she'll definitely grow up to be a stunner and blow the rest of us cousins out of the water when she's a bit older. But right now, she's in that between stage where she's 'not a girl, not yet a woman'. She's smaller on top and bigger on the bottom (blame her German father ha ha) and of course hasn't grown into her real shape yet.
Being about the same size as I am and looking like a 16-year-old, I sometimes forget how young she still is. I was getting her to try on halter necks and spaghetti-strapped lingerie dresses, which of course made her feel completely uncomfortable.
We went to a few shops but just couldn't find anything that hit the right note so we sat down and had a bit of a chat. It was really sad to hear her say that she felt fat. She's definitely not a skinny girl, but she's by no means overweight. But it must seem that way to her because she comes from a family of really slim girls. The average height and weight for the female cousins is probably about 5'6 and 50kg and our aunts are even tinier. What makes it worse is that Allie is often told she's fat by the older generation.
Of course that makes her even more insecure, which I am afraid will cause her to look to food for comfort. I recognize the cycle because I have suffered from eating disorders myself. When I was 16, I weighed only 43kg (I'm now about 53kg) and thought I was fat. I spent years hating the way I looked and constantly battled an unhealthy self image. I thought I was the ugliest thing on God's great earth and it took me years to overcome this. I don't want my cousin to go through the same thing. I told Allie that she is beautiful but I don't think she believed me. Many of my friends who have met her always tell me how pretty she is, so it's definitely true.
I know that my parents' generation don't believe in praising their kids because they think it 'makes your head swell' but in fact, they have got it all wrong. Their lack of encouragement is actually what makes us more scr*wed up. It is too late for my parents to learn this, but hopefully not for others.
Anyway, we couldn't find Allie anything in the shops, but she came back to my place and tried on a red jersey dress that fit her just right. So she has taken it home and hopefully will wear it for the wedding. I've also invited her to join me whilst I get ready on the wedding day and I think we'll have a great time.
My day with Allie was unexpected and gave me some food for thought. She has always had a bit of an attitude around me, but I realize now that it's only because she is looking for attention. When it was just the two of us, we actually get along really well. I speak to her as if she's an adult because frankly, what do I know about relating to kids? I could be wrong but I really think she appreciates that I don't patronize or talk down to her. I had a really nice day and yes, I am surprised!
I gave her 'the look', which meant a definite no, so we decided to go shopping the next day to try and find her a suitable dress. I love my Aunt dearly, but I know her very well. If she had her way, Allie would be in a high-necked floor-length floral dress suited for the cast of Little House on the Prairie!
I didn't realize how difficult dressing a pre-teen would be though. Allie is Eurasian and very pretty, and she'll definitely grow up to be a stunner and blow the rest of us cousins out of the water when she's a bit older. But right now, she's in that between stage where she's 'not a girl, not yet a woman'. She's smaller on top and bigger on the bottom (blame her German father ha ha) and of course hasn't grown into her real shape yet.
Being about the same size as I am and looking like a 16-year-old, I sometimes forget how young she still is. I was getting her to try on halter necks and spaghetti-strapped lingerie dresses, which of course made her feel completely uncomfortable.
We went to a few shops but just couldn't find anything that hit the right note so we sat down and had a bit of a chat. It was really sad to hear her say that she felt fat. She's definitely not a skinny girl, but she's by no means overweight. But it must seem that way to her because she comes from a family of really slim girls. The average height and weight for the female cousins is probably about 5'6 and 50kg and our aunts are even tinier. What makes it worse is that Allie is often told she's fat by the older generation.
Of course that makes her even more insecure, which I am afraid will cause her to look to food for comfort. I recognize the cycle because I have suffered from eating disorders myself. When I was 16, I weighed only 43kg (I'm now about 53kg) and thought I was fat. I spent years hating the way I looked and constantly battled an unhealthy self image. I thought I was the ugliest thing on God's great earth and it took me years to overcome this. I don't want my cousin to go through the same thing. I told Allie that she is beautiful but I don't think she believed me. Many of my friends who have met her always tell me how pretty she is, so it's definitely true.
I know that my parents' generation don't believe in praising their kids because they think it 'makes your head swell' but in fact, they have got it all wrong. Their lack of encouragement is actually what makes us more scr*wed up. It is too late for my parents to learn this, but hopefully not for others.
Anyway, we couldn't find Allie anything in the shops, but she came back to my place and tried on a red jersey dress that fit her just right. So she has taken it home and hopefully will wear it for the wedding. I've also invited her to join me whilst I get ready on the wedding day and I think we'll have a great time.
My day with Allie was unexpected and gave me some food for thought. She has always had a bit of an attitude around me, but I realize now that it's only because she is looking for attention. When it was just the two of us, we actually get along really well. I speak to her as if she's an adult because frankly, what do I know about relating to kids? I could be wrong but I really think she appreciates that I don't patronize or talk down to her. I had a really nice day and yes, I am surprised!
posted by SG Babe | 7:27 PM
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