Reflections and the Other Side of Me

Most of you are aware that the last year of my life has been pretty eventful, with both good and not-so-good things happening. It has been very easy to write about the fun part, which has made up the bulk of stories in my blog up to now. But the tough stuff? Now, that is a side of me that not many people get to see.....

What made me start this particular entry? I received a request from a friend in the US a few months ago which I have yet to fulfill and it has been on my conscience. She asked me to write down all the memories of her sister, Lane, so that her six-year-old daughter would have something to remember her mother by when she grows up. But four months later, I am still unable to put pen to paper and finish up what I started.

In April, I lost my amazing friend Lane, whom I have known for 15 years, to bile duct cancer. She was only 36. Five painful weeks later, my Aunt (who was my dad's younger sister and my godmother) also died of lung cancer. No one who has seen a person die from this disease can ever remain the same. Both Lane and my Aunt fought a battle that I'm not sure I would have been brave enough to face. They were uncomplaining, stoically enduring incredible amounts of pain, especially towards the end when 24-hour morphine drips didn't make a blind bit of difference.

I remember visiting my Aunt in hospital one day. Next to her was a terribly thin young (20s) woman with a shaved head, kneeling on the bed and hugging a pillow, retching up the nothing that was left in her stomach. I couldn't even look at her and hold it all together while I was listening to her throw up. It is incredibly humbling to watch someone suffer so much through no fault of their own. This young woman should have been in the prime of her life: working on her career, hanging out with friends, dating, maybe getting married and having kids of her own. Instead, she knelt on the bed beside me, dying a little bit with every minute that passed.

I felt that I was a part of a horrible and intimate experience, and that it was obscene of me to be sitting there with my healthy body and beautiful designer clothes. It made me feel both helpless and so angry at how unfair life can be. But coming out of those difficult months, what I've also realized is that that is just the way life is. You can't change it, but you can certainly kill yourself trying.

I myself have been guilty of complaining about petty things and not feeling happy with all the wonderful things that I have. Spending just an hour in an oncology ward really shook me up, a very hard wake up call.

Through the grieving, I've made a real effort to go out and live a full a life as possible. It was during this time that my dad and I joined the bike hash. Sometimes, I feel like I am two different people. The person that I am in public is my happy me. But when I'm alone in my bed at night, I really feel the depth of my grief. I miss them so much and you don't stop loving someone just because they are dead. But life does go on for the living and at some point, you just have to accept that they are no longer there, at least not in the physical sense.

I recently read a dedication in a book, 'Night Swimming' by Robin Schwarz, and she wrote it beautifully:

"In memory of my dear friend, who remains alive in my heart and forever loved. You are not gone...you've simply gone ahead".

You know that old cliche, live each day as if it were your last? Well, I'm doing that now. In a way, Lane’s and my Aunt's deaths set me free. Set me free from worrying about the inconsequential things in life. It has sharpened my focus on what is important. If someone had told me a year and a half ago that they'd be gone today, I would have laughed. But it did happen, so I try to be in the moment, every moment. No matter who I'm with, I do my best to focus on having the best possible time with them.

And I have to say, although it has taken some time, I have never been happier. And I mean truly feeling utter joy at being with the people that I care about. All of you who have known me for a long time say I've mellowed out a lot. I just don't sweat the small stuff these days. It's pointless and I am so grateful for what I have. You don't have to go searching for happiness, it's inside you. You just need to know where to look and who to share it with. I know that I'm lucky, I have friends and family (some of you are both) who are quality people. You know who you are.

And my message to Lane's sister? I will get that letter to you really soon.